Whatever This Is – “Operation Sweet Caroline: The Garden Guilt Trip”

 

This morning Jill woke up in full benevolent-dictator mode.She donned her ceremonial ghillie suit, draped the sacred tea towel over her arm, picked up her ceremonial cloche (just in case the magpies tried anything), and marched out to open the wildlife cafe like a woman on a mission.But first — tomorrow is D-Day.Tomorrow Tom the Plant Assassin arrives for his weekly visit, blissfully unaware that he is about to star in the longest, most polite guilt trip in gardening history.While he kneels before the tragic Caroline, gently removing her dead leaves and adjusting her supports, Her Majesty Jill will be perched on the swing like a garden queen, tea in hand, casually delivering line after line of beautifully delivered conscience-pricking commentary.The highlight? A soft, sweet rendition of “Sweeeeet Carooooooline…” floating across the lawn while he works.Caroline herself will be lying there in full dramatic flair — leaves flopped across the grass, giving maximum side-eye, silently cheering her human on.Felicity has already been fed and ushered out of the danger zone (no Walter takeaways on cafe opening day, thank you very much). The magpies are suspiciously quiet. Even the Cyrils seem to sense something big is coming.Tomorrow the garden will become a theatre.
Tomorrow Tom will discover that earplugs are no defence against a determined woman on a swing armed with Neil Diamond and a list of every plant he’s ever wronged.The devil on his shoulder won’t just be whispering.
She’ll be singing in perfect pitch.