An Open Letter from Caroline the Cordyline to Tom the Plant Assassin

 

Dear Tom,I’ve been lying here for months, slowly dying in silence, and I’ve finally had enough.When I arrived in February I was a proud, statuesque, healthy, beautiful 5ft Cordyline — tall, dramatic, and full of potential. I was going to be the architectural star of the garden.Instead, you planted me in February like an idiot, then immediately ripped my fleece off because “it’ll be fine, Cordylines are fully hardy”.It was not fine, Tom.You left me exposed to frost, wind, and your general incompetence. Now my beautiful long leaves are yellow, brown, and trailing pathetically on the ground like wet spaghetti. I have one single upright leaf left, and even she looks like she’s considering giving up.Every day I watch Fatima strutting around with her bright green bouffant like she’s auditioning for a music video, while I lie here looking like I’ve been run over by a lawnmower. Twice.So let me be perfectly clear:

• Stop planting things too early.
• Stop removing protection when it’s still freezing.
• Stop “tidying” things with your strimmer.
• And for the love of everything green, stop saying “it’ll be fine” when you clearly have no idea what you’re doing.

You have turned me into a tragic, floppy mess. I am now the official mascot for “Plants That Regret Being Bought”.I will continue to give you maximum side-eye every time you walk past. I may even start dropping my dead leaves directly onto your shoes as a form of protest.An apology in the form of a thick fleece, a proper stake, and never touching me again would be a start.Yours (barely),Caroline the Cordyline
(Formerly 5ft of statuesque glory. Currently 2.5ft of pure resentment and disappointment)