I have a confession to make.My conservatory is no longer a conservatory.It is now a high-security wildlife distribution centre with a very narrow corridor running through the middle of it.On one side: tubs of seed, bags of suet pellets, jars of peanut butter, and enough cat food to feed a small army of foxes.
On the other side: more of the same, plus emergency backup supplies in case Cyril has a particularly greedy day.Every morning I load up the trug, drape the sacred tea towel over my arm, and head out to serve the masses.The fatal mistake?I leave the door open while I’m down the garden laying out the buffet for Russell, Sheryl and the Magpie Air Force.Big mistake. Huge.While I’m gone, the conservatory turns into a self-service all-you-can-eat raid zone.I have returned to find:
Youdirty didn’t even bother looking up — he was too busy making sure the seed was up to standard.I’m now seriously considering installing CCTV in there. Not to catch criminals — to catch exactly which little sod is raiding the stockroom the moment my back is turned.The conservatory was meant to be for potting up plants and enjoying a sunny morning coffee.Instead, it has become the Wild West of the wildlife café, complete with its own resident crime duo: Roland and Youdirty.And I’m the long-suffering sheriff, armed only with a trug and a tea towel.
On the other side: more of the same, plus emergency backup supplies in case Cyril has a particularly greedy day.Every morning I load up the trug, drape the sacred tea towel over my arm, and head out to serve the masses.The fatal mistake?I leave the door open while I’m down the garden laying out the buffet for Russell, Sheryl and the Magpie Air Force.Big mistake. Huge.While I’m gone, the conservatory turns into a self-service all-you-can-eat raid zone.I have returned to find:
- Sunflower hearts scattered like confetti
- A suspicious trail of seeds leading toward the hedge
- Cyril hanging upside down from a shelf like a furry burglar
Youdirty didn’t even bother looking up — he was too busy making sure the seed was up to standard.I’m now seriously considering installing CCTV in there. Not to catch criminals — to catch exactly which little sod is raiding the stockroom the moment my back is turned.The conservatory was meant to be for potting up plants and enjoying a sunny morning coffee.Instead, it has become the Wild West of the wildlife café, complete with its own resident crime duo: Roland and Youdirty.And I’m the long-suffering sheriff, armed only with a trug and a tea towel.
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