Operation Cloche Commando – When You Need Extra Protection to Talk to Your Gardener

 

Wednesday is going to be legendary.I’ve decided that simply sitting on the swing in my ghillie suit while singing “Sweet Caroline” isn’t enough protection for the upcoming garden walk with Tom.So I’m taking it to the next level.I will be deploying the pop-up cloche as a mobile tactical command unit.Picture this:Me, fully zipped up inside the pop-up cloche like a very determined garden commando, peering out through the door with my rifle (tea towel) at the ready, while Tom tries to have a normal conversation with a dying Caroline.Every so often I’ll unzip the door just enough to deliver a calm, gentle line:“Poor Caroline…”Then zip it shut again.If things get really tense, I may break into a soft rendition of “Sweet Caroline” from inside my protective bubble.Tom will be kneeling there, secateurs in hand, slowly realising he’s not just dealing with a disappointed customer.He’s dealing with a woman who has escalated from ghillie suit to full cloche-fortress mode.The animals have gone suspiciously quiet.
The patio is suspiciously clean.
And tomorrow I will be patrolling the garden in a portable greenhouse, ready for anything.Moss bombs? Bring it.
Squirrel ambush? I’m prepared.
Tom trying to tell me “it’ll be fine”? I’ll be safely zipped away from the emotional damage.This is not gardening anymore.This is psychological warfare with added ventilation.Wish me luck.Or better yet… wish Tom luck.