Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the slowest, saddest, most dramatic sporting event in gardening history:The Great Recovery Race 2026!In the red corner, weighing in at a pathetic 2.5ft of pure misery…
Caroline the Cordyline — the reigning champion of sulking!
She has one (1) lonely upright leaf that looks like it’s filing for workers’ comp. The rest of her is lying on the ground like she’s been personally betrayed by life itself. Current form: tragic. Attitude: maximum side-eye. New growth: non-existent. She is basically auditioning for a Victorian deathbed scene.In the green corner, the tiny but mighty underdog…
Briony the Peony — the comeback kid nobody saw coming!
After being strimmed to a stump not once, but twice, she has bravely sent up two tiny new leaves. Yes, two whole leaves! She is currently the size of a cocktail stick but she’s giving it everything she’s got. We salute this absolute legend.Current leaderboard:
Fatima the Fatsia has been disqualified for showing off with her ridiculous lime-green Motown wig and making the other two look even worse.Caroline is furious. If Briony actually overtakes her and starts flowering while Caroline is still doing her best “dying swan” impression, we may witness the first recorded case of a plant having a nervous breakdown.Place your bets, people.
Briony is the dark horse.
Caroline is the drama queen who might just die of embarrassment if she loses.The garden soap opera continues…The end (until next week when Briony will probably be doing cartwheels and Caroline will still be lying there like a wet tea towel)
Caroline the Cordyline — the reigning champion of sulking!
She has one (1) lonely upright leaf that looks like it’s filing for workers’ comp. The rest of her is lying on the ground like she’s been personally betrayed by life itself. Current form: tragic. Attitude: maximum side-eye. New growth: non-existent. She is basically auditioning for a Victorian deathbed scene.In the green corner, the tiny but mighty underdog…
Briony the Peony — the comeback kid nobody saw coming!
After being strimmed to a stump not once, but twice, she has bravely sent up two tiny new leaves. Yes, two whole leaves! She is currently the size of a cocktail stick but she’s giving it everything she’s got. We salute this absolute legend.Current leaderboard:
- Briony – Tiny, determined, and actually growing. Absolute hero.
- Caroline – Still refusing to participate. Currently considering legal action against the universe.
Fatima the Fatsia has been disqualified for showing off with her ridiculous lime-green Motown wig and making the other two look even worse.Caroline is furious. If Briony actually overtakes her and starts flowering while Caroline is still doing her best “dying swan” impression, we may witness the first recorded case of a plant having a nervous breakdown.Place your bets, people.
Briony is the dark horse.
Caroline is the drama queen who might just die of embarrassment if she loses.The garden soap opera continues…The end (until next week when Briony will probably be doing cartwheels and Caroline will still be lying there like a wet tea towel)
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