The Wildlife Cafe Has Officially Lost the Plot

Good grief, what a day.

It started at 6am with Felicity having a lovely lie-in on the path by the swing. I made the fatal mistake of taking a photo. The tiny click went through double glazing and she whipped her head round like I’d insulted her mother. Second click and she was up, in position, giving me the “breakfast now, human” look. She’s so tuned in to me it’s actually scary. I caved immediately, of course. Premium chicken and two sizzlers. She’s got me well trained.

Felicity is soooo beautiful  😍

She sits outside the lounge door, looks directly at me, and waits.

How could I not give in to her?

Meanwhile, Panther decided that while Norman was cutting his back lawn, it was the perfect time to launch a 20-minute sit-in protest at the full-length glass door. Big eyes, pathetic expression, the full works. I gave her the Caroline-trained subtle side-eye and held firm. “Nope, not today!” She eventually wandered off looking thoroughly disgusted with me. Not offended. Disgusted. The sheer cheek.

Caroline is now safely under her cloche with the flap open for ventilation while she focuses on her recovery. She looks like a tiny greenhouse hostage, but at least she’s protected from 5 days of forecast rain. I’ve also spread the grit around her (with a spoon, because I’m classy like that). She’s finally got a fighting chance to focus on her roots instead of dying dramatically in front of the window.

The Birdbaths have been absolute carnage. The Magpies have taken over the main ones like they’ve declared martial law. Balthazar has been suspiciously absent — probably sulking after his wave-machine performances were interrupted. And Walter… oh Walter.Walter has had a very full day. First the backwards tail-swish bath, then sitting motionless in another bath like an oven-ready chicken. Mystery solved when I caught him doing a massive poop and using the birdbath as a personal bidet. The Magpie had no excuse for copying him. I cleaned the birdbaths three times yesterday and I am not doing it again today.

Then, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, four Walters tried to sit on one hanging feeder tray at the same time. Four Walters piling onto one tiny hanging tray like absolute clowns, thinking “yeah, we can all fit on that”.Naturally, it became an overloaded seesaw, followed by a mass 4-pigeon flap-off. Later they were all sliding down the shed roof in unison like it was the Alton Towers log flume.These pigeons have zero dignity and maximum chaos energy. They’re not birds — they’re furry-brained adrenaline junkies with feathers.

It's like they were sitting on the roof, looking at each other saying: “You thinking what I’m thinking, Walter?” and then launching themselves down the slope like it’s the newest attraction.

Wheeeeeee…Splat!
The Cyrils have been knocking feeders on the ground and emptying them like a Greek taverna on a Saturday night. I caved and refilled them. Then they did it again.I’m now seriously considering putting up the redirection notice permanently. The birds have lost the plot. I’m just trying to survive with my dignity and the last remaining drops of my Bacardi & Coke fund.Send help. Or at least a bigger shed to hide in.

No Mow May turned into WildlifeFlix
The garden looks a bit of an overgrown mess to be fair, but at least it's wildlife friendly. It all started off as 'No Mow May' a few years ago. I want wildflowers in the long grass next and I've some ready for planting. There's holes down there that I don't know who dug them - badgers? foxes? who knows. Maurice has got his hole. The far end of the garden is for the wildlife, while the end nearest to the house is....also for wildlife 😂Years ago it used to be just a big lawn with manicured stripes and perfect hedges. Now it's wild and free and alive with bizzies, buzzies, peskies, scallies and littlies, thanks to 'No Mow May'.I wouldn't have it any other way. Be free, you guys.

The back story of how Bop came to be my cat:

Hazel and Norman moved in next door around 19 year ago

They then got 3 kittens: Bee, Bop and Lula

The kittens lived in their garage.

Late one night I heard a terrible, shocking noise of an animal in distress, but thought it was a fox noise.

A lady knocked on my door and said 'I think I've run your cat over'.

I said it was probably next door's cat, as my own cats were indoors.

Hazel then came round the next day to tell me that she had put the kitten back in the garage overnight and took her to the vet the next day. The vet said Bee needed to be put to sleep asap as her face was completely smashed and there was nothing he could do about it.

I bawled my soddin' eyes out thinking about this tiny kitten, having been hit by a car and her face smashed in, being put back in the garage in immense pain for the whole night with two other kittens who may have been trying to play with her.

Why a kitten was even allowed out the front by a road was a mystery to me.

Nine years later, Hazel said they were going on holiday and asked me to look after the two remaining cats and I said I would.

The first day I went round to their house to feed them and to put their food in the garage and was appalled to see slug slime all over their dried food. 

I then made it known to the two cats - Bop and Lula - that they had to come round to my house to be fed, which they duly did.

Once Hazel and Norman came back from their holiday, Bop decided to move in with me. Hazel said that was ok because Bop and Lula didn't get on anyway.

Then, last October - after Bop had been living with me for 9 years - I realised she was poorly and miserable and decided it was time for her to be euthanized. She was 18 years old. Bop didn't 'live' anywhere except on the radiator or my desk during her last days. I asked Hazel to come round so I could ask her permission to have Bop euthanized and the first thing she said was "I'm not prepared to pay any vet's bills". I hadn't even intended to ask her that, I just wanted her permission to, basically, kill her cat. Then she said "You should try the PDSA because when it's Lula's turn to be put to sleep I'll have to pay again anyway."

In which case, why have 3 cats if you can't afford their end of life care?

So I paid almost £500 to have her cat put to sleep - I am living on a pension, and Labour had just taken away our winter fuel allowance.

So, yeah, if Norman thinks he should cut my lawn because it makes his garden look tatty to leave it, then so be it. 

Fill yer boots Norman. You guys owe me.

A Very Long and Chaotic (so, what's new?) Couple of Days at the Wildlife Cafe

Well… where do I even start?

Felicity’s Post-Walter Breakfast Service
This morning began as it was meant to go on. When I went out to open the Wildlife Cafe, Felicity was already sitting bold as brass on the mown path, just a couple of yards away from me. She’d clearly had a Walter for breakfast (lots of feathers on the lawn) and wasn’t moving for anyone. She then casually helped herself to the bird seed while another Walter stood nearby having a quiet “Nope… not today!” moment. 😂 She really is getting far too comfortable.

Operation Caroline: The Final Cut
The big event of the day was Caroline’s major surgery. I’d already removed all her droopy leaves the day before (with the Magpie Air Force providing loud squawking commentary the entire time). Tom came and pruned her down to a stump. Her stem felt firm from top to bottom, which is a very good sign. She now looks like a very brave little soldier with green wound sealant on top and copper mesh around her base.I have very mixed feelings seeing her reduced to this. She was meant to be my beautiful statement plant, and for one perfect week she really was. It’s been three long, horrible months watching her struggle. But I’m quietly hopeful she can now rest and recuperate. She’s had her seaweed tonic and will get a nice layer of coarse grit today.

Meanwhile, the Comeback Queens
While Caroline rests, Fatima continues to look absolutely fabulous. She’s had 13 babies (leaves!) since her dramatic snow collapse and is thriving both from a distance and up close. Fatima is not just recovering — she’s gone full supermum mode! She really is my favourite plant, and I’m so proud of her recovery.

Little Briony is also making a strong comeback. After being strimmed down to almost nothing, she’s pushing out loads of new leaves and sitting proudly in her copper mesh and eggshell fortress. I’m very proud of her too.

The Littlies’ Great Glass Door Heist
On a completely different note… the plug plants and strawberries on the table by the full-length glass door have become a major attraction. The Littlies have been launching daring raids, wildly flapping against the glass trying to reach them. I was worried they’d hurt themselves, so I’ve now put up the bird silhouette window film. It’s already working — one little daredevil flew at the glass, saw the fake bird, braked to a standstill, and clearly had another one of those “Nope, not today!” moments before flying off. Crisis (mostly) averted.

Balthazar the Blackbird
We also have a new(ish) refined gentleman on the scene. Balthazar doesn’t bother much with the feeders. He prefers to chance his luck with leftovers on the ground and enjoys a proper leisurely bath.  A very clean boy indeed, and a very splashy one at that - I had to refill the bird bath afterwards.

Meanwhile, Walter was spotted doing a backwards bath — sitting on the edge of the birdbath with just his tail swishing around in the water like he was performing 🎵 'The Birdie Song' 🎵

Of course a Magpie immediately copied him!Just after I saw Walter doing his backwards bath, a Magpie landed on the same birdbath and did exactly the same thing. 🤔These birds are watching each other and learning bad (or brilliant) habits. Now we’ve got a Walter and a Magpie both doing the “backwards tail-swish bath” in the same birdbath. That’s proper sitcom behaviour.

The Magpie Air Force has clearly decided that if Walter’s doing something weird, they’re going to try it too. 

In the other birdbath another Walter was just sitting in the water, completely motionless, like an oven-ready chicken 🤔

Mystery of Walter’s Backwards Bath – Solved!

I went out to refill the birdbaths for the 3rd time today. Walter hadn't been bathing backwards… he’d done a massive poop in the birdbath and was using it as a personal poop-and-bidet combo, swishing his tail around in it. Not sure what the Magpie’s excuse was for copying him though. 🤮

Let me be clear you 'orrible lot: I am NOT refilling the birdbaths again today! Do your biological warfare if you must, but it still ain't being done again TODAY.

I'm seriously considering putting up a redirection sign in the garden: 

Mystery of the Moss Bombs – Solved!
The patio has been getting moss-bombed for months and usually clear it up straight away. Today I thought “sod it, you can stay there”… only to see a load of Littlies busily collecting the moss, presumably for their nests. The Magpies drop it, the Littlies use it. 

I’ve actually got a fat ball feeder hanging by the hedge that’s stuffed full of super soft brushed alpaca wool, which the Littlies have been helping themselves to. So I was surprised to see them going for the moss bombs as well. Clearly they’re not fussy — they’ll take whatever building materials are available!

I’ve accidentally created a moss distribution network.This is such a lovely full-circle moment in the garden chaos.

Summary:Balthazar doesn’t just bathe — he throws an entire one-bird water park party and makes sure the patio gets a free shower in the process. The Littlies are doing aerial raids, Felicity is running protection rackets, seiges and hostage taking, the Walters are clumsy disaster magnets, the Magpie Air Force perform moss-bombing operations, 

I’m constantly amazed at how clever all these garden creatures are. The Littlies with their tactical raids, Felicity with her masterclass in fox manipulation, Balthazar with his splashy performances… they’re all geniuses in their own right. I had no idea when I started feeding them that I was opening a branch of avian university.

Peanut Butter Butties Officially Cancelled
I’ve stopped putting out peanut butter butties because the sludge left in the bird baths was disgusting. I only ever put out small pieces of seeded bread now. I know bread isn’t the most nutritious option, but some of the birds clearly love it — it’s all gone within minutes.
I only feed them in the morning. I want to give them a good breakfast to give them strength, but not enough to feed them all day. That way they still go off and forage and hunt naturally for the rest of the day. They also get seeds, suet pellets, nut kibbles, and mealworms, so I think they do okay overall.

Today’s Plan
The coarse grit for Caroline arrives today. I’ll put a nice layer around her stump (keeping it away from the sealed cut), and if it looks good I’ll get more bags to smarten up Fatima and Briony and finally remove those ugly eggshells. The garden is slowly getting a bit more polished… even if the residents aren’t!It really has been non-stop. Never a dull moment at the Wildlife Cafe.