Wednesday Morning: Operation Guilt Trip – Fully Loaded

 

Wednesday is the big day.Tom the Plant Assassin is coming round, and I’ve decided it’s time to stop being nice.My plan is simple but brutal:I’m going to make him get right up close and personal with Caroline. He’ll have to kneel down, gently remove her dead leaves, and adjust her pathetic little supports while staring at the crime scene he created back in February.Once he’s finished and steps back as if to say "There, that's better don't you think?", I’ll tilt my head sweetly and say:“Bloody hell, Tom… she still looks absolutely tragic, doesn’t she? How much longer do you think this poor £80 girl has left to live?”Then, while he’s still squirming:“Grok says hellebores prefer dappled shade. I’m sure I asked you to plant them under the trees… or maybe I’m mistaken?”“I’ve put copper mesh around Briony so you know exactly where she is and don’t accidentally strim her again — she took two years to get that big, bless her.”“Fatima’s actually doing really well, though, with all her new leaves. I’m so glad we put the cloche on her after she was covered in snow and ice — I don’t think such a young plant would have made it through without the cloche.”“And while you’re at it, could you sort out the honeysuckle in the trough? The grass and weeds have completely grown up through the bottom because it wasn’t dug out properly like I asked. She’s also now getting whipped around by the tree branches every time it’s windy.”Then, when he’s finally finished re-doing the strawberry troughs (the ones I asked him to do properly last time, with the clay balls that are still sitting unopened in the conservatory), I’ll finish him off with:“…Do I owe you anything for re-doing what I asked you to do the first time?”I can already taste the beautiful, awkward silence.Caroline is rehearsing her dying-swan performance.
Briony is quietly trying to regrow after being decapitated.
Fatima is practising her victory strut with her new 12-leaf beehive.
The honeysuckle is still being thrashed by the tree like it’s in a horror movie.Tomorrow isn’t gardening day.
Tomorrow is reckoning day.Wish Tom luck. He’s going to need it.Cover me, I'm going in!