The Tea Towel Service – Fine Dining at Ghillie Suit Gardening

I have officially lost the plot.

Not only do I own a full ghillie suit and a rifle for dramatic effect, but I have now added a tea towel to the official uniform.Every morning I load up the trug with the day’s specials, drape the tea towel elegantly over my arm, and march down the garden like a very serious waitress serving a particularly rowdy outdoor restaurant.I even do a little bow when I put the peanut butter sandwiches down for Russell and Sheryl.The magpies have started treating me like actual staff. They sit on the roof, squawk their orders, and then throw moss at me if the service is slower than they’d like.Cyril the Squirrel has taken to watching me from the swing with the expression of a food critic who’s disappointed with the presentation. The other day he actually hung upside down from a branch while I was laying out the food, as if to say, “Is this really the best you can do?”Felicity, being the lady she is, just sits there with perfect posture and waits to be served. She gives me a slow blink that I’ve decided means “Acceptable. Carry on.”Meanwhile, the littlies have started to recognise the tea towel as the international signal for “food incoming” and they now hover hopefully nearby instead of flying away.The neighbours must think I’ve completely lost my mind. There I am, trudging up and down the garden with a trug and a tea towel over my arm, bowing to birds and squirrels like a deranged maître d’.I suppose at this point I should just accept my fate.I am no longer a gardener.I am the long-suffering manager of Ghillie Suit Gardening’s Wildlife Café.Uniform: Ghillie suit + tea towel.
Service: Slow, slightly chaotic, and frequently interrupted by aerial moss attacks.Tips: Non-existent (unless you count the occasional shiny object left by the magpies, which I suspect is just payment for the moss they’ve thrown).Would I change it?
Not for the world.Even if it means doing seventeen trips a day and occasionally being robbed blind by a squirrel who clearly has no respect for fine dining.