Meet Caroline the Cordyline – The £80 Guilt Trip That Keeps on Giving

Let me introduce you to the biggest drama queen in my garden.Her name is Caroline the Cordyline.She arrived in February in perfect condition — tall, healthy, vibrant green, looking like she was ready to take on the world. She cost me £80 plus delivery. I was so excited.Then Tom the gardener planted her too early.Took the fleece off too soon.Left her in cold clay soil with no proper protection.And now?Caroline is the saddest, most tragic plant I have ever owned.She has one single tall leaf that refuses to grow any further. It just sits there, slightly drooping, looking permanently disappointed. The rest of her leaves are brown and crispy, flopped on the ground like she’s given up on life.Every time Tom comes round, I make him go and look at her.“Poor Caroline,” I say softly. “She was such a lovely, healthy plant when she arrived…”Then I let the silence do the rest.Caroline doesn’t need words. She just stands there radiating pure, concentrated side-eye. If plants could talk, she would sigh dramatically and say:“I didn’t ask to be here. This is not what I signed up for.”She has become my favourite form of emotional warfare.She’s no longer just a plant.
She is a £80 guilt monument.
A living, breathing (well… barely breathing) reminder of what happens when you plant things too early and don’t give proper advice.I’ve decided she’s staying exactly where she is for the foreseeable future.Every time Tom walks past her, I want him to feel it.Poor Caroline.She was such a lovely, healthy plant when she arrived.At least Fatima the Fatsia made it through her snow shock once we put a cloche on her.