I think I’ve finally cracked the case.For the last two days the garden has been eerily quiet. No magpies, no Walters, no Cyril, no Littlies, no Felicity. Not a single soul to be seen.Yet every scrap of food has mysteriously disappeared.The patio has remained suspiciously clean — not one moss bomb in sight.I knew something was brewing.Then this morning, a very professional-looking leaflet dropped through my letterbox from “Oliver’s Gutter Cleaning”.It reads:
The immaculate clean-up.
The sudden radio silence.
The perfectly timed invoice disguised as helpful advertising.It all makes sense now.The Magpie Air Force didn’t clean up out of guilt or good manners.They were running a protection racket.Step 1: Bomb the patio with moss.
Step 2: Send in the clean-up crew to remove all evidence.
Step 3: Deliver a professional-looking leaflet threatening insurance problems and politely demanding payment 5–7 days later.This isn’t just organised crime.
This is organised crime with a customer service department.After everything I’ve done for them over the years — the endless butties, suet pellets, sunflower hearts, cat food for Felicity, nuts for the squirrels — this is how they repay me?By sending me an invoice for gutter cleaning I never ordered?I feel betrayed.
Deeply, featheredly betrayed.I’m now sitting here wondering how long I have before the “collection team” arrives.Day Two of the silence.I have 3–5 days left to play them at their own game.The question is… do I pay the protection money, or do I declare all-out war?Stay tuned.The Magpie Mafia has entered the chat.
“The leading cause of damp in your home is blocked guttering.
If there are issues with damp in your home and you make an insurance claim, the first thing the loss adjuster will check is the condition of the guttering system.
If the gutters are blocked they will not pay out.
Gutters should be cleared once a year to prevent blocking.”
And then the killer line:If there are issues with damp in your home and you make an insurance claim, the first thing the loss adjuster will check is the condition of the guttering system.
If the gutters are blocked they will not pay out.
Gutters should be cleared once a year to prevent blocking.”
“Unlike a monthly direct debit we only collect payment 5-7 days AFTER we’ve carried out our services.”
I stared at the leaflet for a long time.The moss bombs.The immaculate clean-up.
The sudden radio silence.
The perfectly timed invoice disguised as helpful advertising.It all makes sense now.The Magpie Air Force didn’t clean up out of guilt or good manners.They were running a protection racket.Step 1: Bomb the patio with moss.
Step 2: Send in the clean-up crew to remove all evidence.
Step 3: Deliver a professional-looking leaflet threatening insurance problems and politely demanding payment 5–7 days later.This isn’t just organised crime.
This is organised crime with a customer service department.After everything I’ve done for them over the years — the endless butties, suet pellets, sunflower hearts, cat food for Felicity, nuts for the squirrels — this is how they repay me?By sending me an invoice for gutter cleaning I never ordered?I feel betrayed.
Deeply, featheredly betrayed.I’m now sitting here wondering how long I have before the “collection team” arrives.Day Two of the silence.I have 3–5 days left to play them at their own game.The question is… do I pay the protection money, or do I declare all-out war?Stay tuned.The Magpie Mafia has entered the chat.
Subject: Re: Your kind offer of gutter cleaning & patio pressure washingDear Oliver’s Gutter Cleaning Team (and your very observant magpie marketing department),Thank you so much for your thoughtful leaflet. It arrived at the perfect moment — right after your Air Force had spent the last few weeks dropping high-precision moss bombs directly outside my back door, only for your crack clean-up crew to mysteriously erase all evidence the very next day.The timing was impeccable. Almost… professional.I particularly enjoyed the little wink emoji next to the pressure washing service for “moss stains” on patios and block paving. Subtle. Very subtle. I felt truly seen.Unfortunately, after careful consideration (and consulting my accountant, my blood pressure monitor, and my remaining dignity), I must decline your generous services.I’ve decided to embrace the natural, organic look of my patio this year. The moss stains add a lovely rustic charm and give the local wildlife something to aim for. Think of it as my small contribution to urban biodiversity.As for the gutters — they’ll just have to take their chances. Much like my poor cordyline, some things in life are simply left to fate.Rest assured, the peanut butter butties are also off the menu tomorrow. And the day after. And quite possibly for the foreseeable future. Actions have consequences, even for highly organised magpie syndicates.Wishing you every success with your future “clean-up” operations elsewhere.Kind regards (with zero wink emoji),Jill
(Long-suffering resident of Moss Central, Bournville)P.S. If you could ask your operatives to stop using my roof as a forward operating base, that would be marvellous. The conservatory roof is not a landing strip.
(Long-suffering resident of Moss Central, Bournville)P.S. If you could ask your operatives to stop using my roof as a forward operating base, that would be marvellous. The conservatory roof is not a landing strip.
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