The Great Bonfire Incident – And How the Second Tree Got Revenge

 

Some years ago, I decided to have a bonfire in the back garden.You know the kind — the “let’s get rid of the evidence” type of bonfire. Nothing suspicious at all, officer.The fire was being awkward and wouldn’t catch properly, so, in my infinite wisdom and with the confidence of someone who has never learned from previous mistakes, I reached for the can of lighter fuel and gave it a generous squirt.What happened next was… not ideal.Instead of the pile of garden waste bursting into a nice controlled blaze, the flames somehow leapt across the hedge and set fire to one of the two massive fir trees standing side by side in the Rec behind my garden.Yes, I managed to set fire to a tree that wasn’t even in my garden.To be fair, it’s not a huge garden. So the fact that I achieved this spectacular act of cross-border arson with one optimistic squirt of lighter fuel is, in retrospect, quite an achievement.The fire brigade were called. The first tree did not survive.The second fir tree, however, lived on… for a while.Some time later, I was standing at the window enjoying a particularly dramatic thunderstorm. Lightning flashed, thunder rolled, and I was quite happily watching the show when — CRACK — a bolt of lightning struck the remaining fir tree right down the middle.The tree split with an enormous crack and then, as if it had been personally offended by my earlier bonfire attempt, the entire thing fell into my garden like a final act of revenge.It landed on my patio, missing my roof (and bathroom) by literally a foot or two. On its way down it also crashed through my neighbour’s shed and took out my pear and apple trees.For a few chaotic minutes, my garden was literally full of tree.Just to be absolutely clear: I did not order the lightning strike on the second fir tree. That part was entirely self-directed by nature.The first tree fell victim to my lighter fuel enthusiasm.
The second tree apparently decided to take matters into its own branches and finish the job with a dramatic lightning-assisted exit.Moral of the story:
If your bonfire isn’t starting, maybe just walk away.
Do not add lighter fuel.
And definitely do not stand at the window enjoying thunderstorms when there are trees nearby that might still be holding a grudge.The garden has seen many things over the years — magpies running clean-up crews, squirrels pulling off heists, Caroline’s long tragic sulk, Fatima’s Motown-to-Dying-Swan transformation — but the Great Fir Tree Vendetta still takes the prize for the most dramatic own goal followed by nature’s swift and theatrical retaliation.Some trees, it seems, do not forgive easily.