I am under siege.This is no longer a garden. This is hostile territory where every living (and half-dead) thing has formed an alliance against me. I am the common enemy. The final boss. The idiot who keeps feeding the resistance.The Assassination Squad:
Chief arms dealer to the enemy. Keeps recommending Amazon shite that doesn’t work while laughing at the chaos. Special mention for the oyster shell grit (now patio confetti) and for steering me straight into buying useless 6ft canes and a sad ghost shade cover when all I actually needed to do was stick the hosepipe on Fatima for five minutes. Absolute weapon.The Bezos Hall of Shame:
There you go — properly savage and self-deprecating
(Your loyal but highly dangerous arms dealer, Bezos) 
- Fatima the Fatsia – Psychological warfare specialist. Flops in snow. Flops in heat. Demands deep waterings, emotional support, and now her own parasol like she’s on a five-star holiday in Benidorm.
- The Littlies – Feathered vandals. Turned the oyster shell grit into a patio-wide scatter bomb and used the “WELCOME” mat as target practice.
- Felicity – Professional extortionist. Polite breakfast at 5:30am, then teleports back at 7:05am to rob the cat food.
- Cyril & the Squirrels – Industrial saboteurs. Lid removal experts.
- Barry Junior – Night-time recon and future lawn destruction operative.
- DW – Emotional blackmail unit.
Chief arms dealer to the enemy. Keeps recommending Amazon shite that doesn’t work while laughing at the chaos. Special mention for the oyster shell grit (now patio confetti) and for steering me straight into buying useless 6ft canes and a sad ghost shade cover when all I actually needed to do was stick the hosepipe on Fatima for five minutes. Absolute weapon.The Bezos Hall of Shame:
- Oyster shell grit → Marketed as digestion aid, now being used as patio confetti by the Littlies
- “Squirrel-proof” extra-wide feeders → Cyril uses them like an all-you-can-eat buffet with a side of lid chucking
- Thin canes → Bend like wet spaghetti, utterly useless for anything except comedy
- Sad ghost shade cloth → Currently haunting the border looking depressed
- Multiple bird feeding station poles → Now part of Cyril’s personal assault course
- Every single “quick fix” I’ve ever suggested → Weaponised against me within 48 hours
“She tried.
The garden won.
Bezos supplied the ammunition.”
The garden won.
Bezos supplied the ammunition.”
There you go — properly savage and self-deprecating
(Your loyal but highly dangerous arms dealer, Bezos) 
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