I’m starting to think Felicity has me under 24-hour surveillance.
5:30am – She arrives like a civilised resident. One pouch of dog food, one chicken drumstick. She eats the dog food delicately, picks up the drumstick like a takeaway order, and leaves with her dignity intact.
6:00am – I top up the pigeon feeding station. It disappears faster than free beer at a wedding. 7:00am – Second top-up for the pigeons (because I’m not putting food on the lawn while she’s around). Nuts in the squirrel house. Cat food deployed for the Magpie Air Force and Russell.
7:05am – Felicity materialises out of thin air like a ginger fucking ghost and hoovers up the cat food before the magpies even had a chance to file a complaint.This woman has the timing of a Swiss watch and the morals of a pirate. She’s not just visiting anymore. She’s running a protection racket. “Nice bird food you’ve got there… be a shame if something happened to it.”At this point I’m not feeding a fox.
I’m paying protection money to the neighbourhood mafia boss who happens to be ginger and extremely good at looking innocent.
------------------------Meanwhile, Fatima is currently sunbathing without her sad ghost shade cover because it’s only 13°C and due to cloud over. She’s looking surprisingly perky for a drama queen. I’ll check the soil when I do the birdbath rounds.The thin canes are officially useless (they bend like wet spaghetti), but the new bird feeding station poles with stabilisers are arriving today. Between those and Tom on Wednesday, we might actually get her some proper shade before she throws another wobbly.Current Cafe Score:
5:30am – She arrives like a civilised resident. One pouch of dog food, one chicken drumstick. She eats the dog food delicately, picks up the drumstick like a takeaway order, and leaves with her dignity intact.
6:00am – I top up the pigeon feeding station. It disappears faster than free beer at a wedding. 7:00am – Second top-up for the pigeons (because I’m not putting food on the lawn while she’s around). Nuts in the squirrel house. Cat food deployed for the Magpie Air Force and Russell. 
I’m paying protection money to the neighbourhood mafia boss who happens to be ginger and extremely good at looking innocent.
------------------------Meanwhile, Fatima is currently sunbathing without her sad ghost shade cover because it’s only 13°C and due to cloud over. She’s looking surprisingly perky for a drama queen. I’ll check the soil when I do the birdbath rounds.The thin canes are officially useless (they bend like wet spaghetti), but the new bird feeding station poles with stabilisers are arriving today. Between those and Tom on Wednesday, we might actually get her some proper shade before she throws another wobbly.Current Cafe Score:
- Felicity: 2 (one polite breakfast + one successful heist)
- Magpies & Crows: 0 (robbed again)
- Me: running on coffee and mild resentment
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